Bloggers Are Terrible Writers
In Affiliate Marketing | 65 comments | permalink
There are so many bad writers on the Internet, especially in the blogging world, so here are some amusing rules to help you become a world-class writer.
34 Rules For Kick ass Writing
1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat.)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used unless you don’t want to seem too formal.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not always apropos.
13. Do not use more words, phrases, sentences, or other linguistic elements than you, yourself, actually really and definitely need to use or employ when expressing yourself or otherwise giving voice to what you may or may not be thinking when you are trying to say how many words you should use or not use when using words.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don’t use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, i.e. etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill excessive exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others elude to them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate distracting quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson is said to have once remarked, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
28. If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
And finally…
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Credit: I have spent the past few hours trying to find the original source of this, I have asked numerous people, and done numerous searches, and the best I could do was to narrow it down to 8,400 webpages and two possible authors.
I apologise if I am wrong, but the closest I can find to an original source is here: Source
Dean
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65 COMMENTS
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Nice one Dean, I didnt get the jokes at first, but on second glance, very clever and highly amusing.
Chris
I am probably guilty of many of these transgressions.
Thank you for waking me up!
some good points dean, but can you explain WHY?
we all know that you can make a ton of money and do just fine in copywriting and blogging with bad writing.
so are you saying that even people like the above can make even more money?
in copywriting, you do what works. if bad writing increases response, do it.
however, I think general writing is what you are directing your tips at here, and I am just a giant picky bastard.
btw, will sponsorship from sir richard branson suffice?
Hi Dean,
35 Humour may fall flat if you don’t know your audience
I enjoyed every rule on your list whilst breaking every one. “It was like a breath of spring”, as Sir Winston Churchill probably said(if you know what I mean).
Jim
Jason, it is a spoof list. Re-read it and you will notice that each point contradicts itself.
e.g 33. “Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.”
Perhaps I should just stick to toilet humour
Jim, looks like you may be right
Dean
Just excellent. I’m sorry that I don’t have more to say, but that was just swell! Great post, Dean.
This is TEH awesome! I can haz new writing skillz now?
This list has always made me laugh, even when I first saw it on a poster in English class in high school. I can’t remember where it comes from, though, can you refresh my memory?
#35 - These are really guidelines rather than rules.
This was a very funny post.
Avoid quotes? Why? I love posts with wise quotes related to the subject. Quotations are such a good enhancement.
Crap. Now that I know the rules my blog will be totally blank.
I am so #13. Very nice post!
Hahahaha, that was hilarious (athough one might never take it to heart, though :). Great post, I love it!
Entirely idiographic and nomothetic Dean
A great read!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
unnecessary.”
#35 Phrase *kick ass*. Overused.
Brilliant! I thought this post would be another “skimmer” but I read and enjoyed every one of them.
CQTM! (Chuckle Quietly To Myself)
…jp
Awesome. Really, really super great post.
Based upon the comments if you read them hardly no one didn’t not get the joke. Well, que sera sera .
I’ll stop now.
35. Cite your sources
99% of this is plagiarised, without even so much of a nod to any original source. Googling “your” first rule produces 579 google hits.
So how about some credit where credit’s due? Or, at the very least, not passing this off as your own work.
Barry,
Exactamente, clearly my readers are educated to a far higher standard than myself, as I break many of those pesky rules.
Dean
I read this with good humor.
For every single one of those points, there are times when it is appropriate. It is grammatically correct, within context and lets readers be able to understand. An example of that would be #2, and every other number.
Richard,
I have spent over an hour trying to find the original source, and have visited over 20 websites to try and find it, but I fear it is just one of those viral things that has been around forever.
I have a note at the bottom of the article in case anyone can help me identify the origin.
Dean
Clipping to my Evernote to save forever. Excellent post.
Anthony
Amen! I get frustrated by poor writing. Unfortunately, it doesn’t just apply to bloggers. I recently readn an AP article where the Author used the “word” “Wha??” I couldn’t believe it. Good list, though, and a good reminder to pay attention.
I just noticed a typo in my comment. So much for paying attention!
Reading that list hurt my brain…
Dean - But I was told in blogging, convention, could be dispensed with.
95% sure William Safire wrote the original list. I’m sure he showed up prominently in your Google search results.
Tim,
His name does ring a bell, so yes, he may have been one of the 5+ million results.
On a sidenote, the search term “William Safire Writing Rules” throws up 8,400 results, the first of which seems to display a fraction of the list. So again, finding the root source seems to be tricky, and I am not linking to 8,400 sites
I am the author of this post, but the original list seems to have grown and been adapted thousands of times over the years.
Anyway, thanks for your attempt. I look forward to an actual answer.
Dean
Just for the sake of antiquarian interest, a lot of these were featured in this text:
George Trigg, Phyical Review Letters 42 (1979): 747f.
http://prola.aps.org/abstract/PRL/v42/i12/p747_1
Reproduced here:
http://www.ecd.bnl.gov/steve/trigg.html
Trigg doesn’t claim to have come up with them himself, though.
Parts of this list have been passed around in the scientific community for, well, decades, FWIW.
Thanks Nathan,
Now I am even more confused
Dean
I believe these are William Safire’s “Fumblerules” of English grammar, for hte most part.
See: http://www.amazon.com/How-Not-Write-Essential-Misrules/dp/039332723X/ref=pd_sim_b_1 or http://alt-usage-english.org/humorousrules.html
Heh … just trying to hlep! I mean help!
Hi Dean
Firstly, thanks for alerting me to this post. Did it make me laugh? It sure did - it is absolutely hilarious. I proofread quite a lot so I will certainly take note of No. 34!
Cynthia Minnaar
The greatest and best list of rules since someone sliced bread!!!
Thanks for the Monday morning laugh. I may pass this around at our next writing workshop. (I hope they will understand that this is meant to be a spoof.)
Thanks for that makes me feel less stupid…If I gould understand it all…lol. good post
Brought back memories of school. The teacher could always count on me as an example of how *not* to write. (Hmm, i am left wondering if it is it *OK* to use *’s?)
Hello to all good and bad writers
Great post: Thank you, Dean (!!!
We all want to get better (generalized?) and that’s how we learn. (again?) Don’t bother if you (are told you) repeat what others have already written, we learn through repetition (outdated theory) and repetition of what others said makes topics big.(internet)
And boy this is an important topic: Improve style..AND content!
May all those who write about how to make more money tell their addicted users how to write better and what else they could deal with! They could call it giving insight into their long-term strategy.
Even worse than simply being a bad writer: People like me, who aren’t native speakers in addition to probably unexperienced/simply bad writers but though try to write in English, or what I think might be.
Sorry for that - I decided to learn by doing - and - honestly, why should I hesitate in the middle of terrible writers :-))
PS:
Enjoyed your post - Thank you Chris for twittering.
Hi Dean
You just made my day !!!!
This list of rules are just the Funniest have I read in a long time?
Alas, most of the people who write badly won’ “get it.” They’ll say, “Hey, I’m a pretty good writer after all!”
Dean, you’re simply irrepressible!
none of these rules should be taken seriously, they are entirely matters of style.
also, most of them are regurgitated from other places. it’s nice to note that even if you don’t cite a specific web site. (Orwell’s rules, anyone?)
Nicole,
Nobody was taking them seriously, it is a joke/spoof based post.
Also, there is a section at the bottom that clearly states that they are from other sources.
Dean
Great fun, and even if it has been seen by millions before this is the first for me. Love your own stuff.
In my day there was a lady called Mrs Malaprop. Unfortunately, I thought she was the real way, what you have to speak.
As in Star Trek we will have to (Boldly go where no man has gone before).
In my case I will have to look for a new job!!!!
Great post as usual Dean.
In the sweltering heat here in Italy, I think a job as a swimming pool attendant would be cool. Throw all those alliterations and infinitives in the bin.
Alan
My favourite is when they insist on writing “there” blog updates about “there” latest additions, and with special thanks to “there” guest speakers on “there” latest interview.
Gets me every time :0)
Note to self always guilty number 34
I agree with most of these, but many of these examples lend to personal style. Some writers prefer A.P. and others Chicago style, so which is correct? The writer’s personal style or voice needs to be considered along with their grammar.
JP Moses said exactly what I was thinking when I StumbleUpon-ed your list! Thanks for my laugh for today, Dean, gonna go spread the joy now!
Dean,
Thanks for the terrific post. Most of these grate my nerves online and in real life. I’m to the point that I refuse to walk into an establishment that has misspellings on its ad signs out front.
“Our meet is 100# pur beaf”
Oy Vey!!!
Trying to find sources for some of these–came across this:
Do not put statements in the negative form.
And don’t start sentences with a conjunction.
If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all.
De-accession euphemisms.
If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
Last, but not least, avoid cliches like the plague.
~William Safire, “Great Rules of Writing”
When writing, one should always use proper grammar.
Like what I do.
Lol… Loved that.
Thanks for sharing this list. I’d seen a shoter version of this a long time ago and many of them stick in my mind. Well done on your efforts to credit the original source - though I suspect it combines more than one.
Dean –
A funny, to-the-point list that, unfortunately, many people won’t quite “get”.
Some of the things are writing style choices — I think I’m an excellent writer, but I know I tend to use dashes way too often — and in my blog posts I frequently use sentence fragments, or start with “And”, as part of my writing voice. Correct grammer? No, just part of my style. It wouldn’t pass muster in an English class, but luckily my English teacher isn’t reviewing my writing any longer.
What drives me buggy are people who use the wrong word consistently. I’m a member of several listserv groups and one phrase that tends to crop up again and again is some version of “I totally understand what your going threw.” Arrrggghhh….makes my teeth hurt.
Thanks for a great post!
Very clever! You forgot #35 which is to avoid lists. I have 5 top reasons why…
dean,
no, hilarious second time around. guess that is what you get when reading genius with an average of 2-3 hours of sleep on a reality show
haha funny.
Thanks for the free English course
This will definitely make me a better blogger
Have you been reading my blog again?
Seriously… very funny. Thanks for the laugh.
I have also always heard these “rules attributed to William Safire.
The only thing this list is missing: never say y’all on your blog. It didn’t work for Brittany Spears and it’s not working for you. Trust me on this one.
After laughing out loud in an empty room,I guess it doesn’t matter what time period they actually came from since the blogging community is as guilty as anyone of not only these, but plenty of others. Good stuff Dean, love the fact that some actually did not see the tongue firmly planted in cheek.
hey dean,
like this post… lol can you take a look at my blog and tell me if i am a terrible blogger?
nice blog here…. i like the way you explain things that are seem so boring and you are always using first person point of view. continue that!
i’ve decided you to add you on my blogroll and if you have a kind heart, add me on yours.
we have same name,
Dean
Funny post man, I’m glad somebody took a little bit of a stab and some humour at bloggers. We take ourselves too seriously sometimes I really think. Keep up the funny posts and laughs - we all need more of them!
Great to see some humour which gives us something to think about too